


going grey // gawsten

by florallyfaded



Category: Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Drabbles, Sadish, Songfic, oneshots, the front bottoms - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 11:27:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14914524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/florallyfaded/pseuds/florallyfaded
Summary: a series of oneshots inspired by 'going grey' by the front bottoms.





	going grey // gawsten

_ you used to say (holy fuck): _

 

_ do you think my eyes should be wider?  _

_ do you think my expression should match how it is on the inside to say… _

 

i never really understood geoff, not until i was finding clumps of my hair on my pillow and my bones became frail. not until sleepless nights began to precede early mornings filled with puking and headaches. all i knew was to be angry growing up; to be the masculine, brave figure that every girl had spent her life fawning over. i was mad all the time, then, around fourteen, i was sad all the time. i’ve always just called it a “long depressive episode” (having lasted three and a half years), but what difference does it really make? the technical terms mean nothing, and with or without a diagnosis,i became a room rat with social anxiety and an inability to healthily share emotions. 

 

i wanted to be happy, but it wasn’t working. 

 

_ do you think my words should be wiser? _

_ do you think my expression should match how it is on the inside to say… _

 

things started looking up towards the end of my senior year; i was going to college in houston, i was writing music and playing guitar all the time, i had a genuine interest in school, and i’d started making friends, namely otto, a brown haired drummer farm boy with curly hair and a toothpick in his mouth at all times. 

 

graduation flew by, and it was my first day of college. i decided against dorming; money wasn’t coming in too well, and the living space was expensive. the college was only about forty minutes away so i just went down tuesdays and thursdays, occasionally crashing at my friend travis’s dorm. i was never a fan of parties, i always just wanted to stay home and watch netflix. but travis dragged me out to one, saying he had a friend he wanted me to meet.

 

“please,” he begged. “i promise, you won’t regret this.” he paused. “and if you do, i’ll find a way to make it up to you.” i looked at him with an annoyed sigh and rolled my eyes, before standing from his twin-sized mattress { ;) } and approaching the full length mirror hanging from a closet door. my eyes scanned my reflection. i fumbled a bit with the collar of my orange and blue striped sweater, pulling it down and stretching it slightly. my black skinny jeans clung to my legs, and i wore a pair of yellow old school vans. my pastel blue hair was brushed neatly, but i ran my fingers through it to make it look less clean. 

 

“are you sure i look okay to go?” i asked, nervously. he nodded eagerly. 

 

“seriously, you’re gonna love your date.”

 

“she’s not my date.”

 

“okay,” he said. “so she’s not your date. what is she?”

 

“a friend of my friend.” i stated bluntly. he rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. 

 

“dammit, awsten, let me do something for you for once.” travis groaned. with another exasperated sigh, i gave in. we left for “wild” party at his “friend’s” house a few blocks from the college, and were met with four people sitting on a couch in a living room playing video games. there was a 36 case of beer on the coffee table, three stray, empty cans, and two pizza boxes. the anxiety i’d anticipated settled.

 

“wow, zakk, totally crazy party, dude.” travis mocked sarcastically. zakk, the blonde on the left of the couch. he rolled his eyes. 

 

“cancelled it.” he muttered. “i got a warning from the building advisor, guess word spread and he told me i couldn’t have a ton of people in the dorm.”

 

“it’s so lame.” jawn, travis’s dorm mate, a guy with dyed red hair scoffed from the kitchen. he walked out holding a slice of pizza on a plate and a beer. travis and jawn were both juniors, and were legally allowed to drink. “like, if we did invite a bunch of people, we can have booze, it’s not illegal.”

 

“i’m only 18.” i nervously piped up. jawn raised an eyebrow. “if you guys might get in trouble maybe i shouldn’t be here, if i’m the only one who can’t dri-”

 

“stop right there, shut up, sit down, and relax.” travis cut him off, lightly shoving me towards a love seat. i found myself settling in to the comfortable chair. 

 

“there’s not enough people here for us to get in trouble.” jawn assured. “you don’t have to drink, you’re more than welcome to though.” the red head smiled. i glanced around the room, looking for the girl travis was talking about. “by the way, that’s zakk,” he pointed to a blonde with his hair up on a bun. he then pointed to the guy wearing a zelda t-shirt. “and that’s geoff.”

 

and that, my friends, is where it started.

 

_ holy fuck, i’m about to die _

_ angry for no reason, twisted up inside _

_ you used to say… _

 

“are you scared of dying?” i asked geoff once, while we were on a drive. he looked at me for a quick second, somewhat surprised, but shook his head and averted his eyes back to the road. 

 

“i’m scared of dying angry.” i raised my eyebrow. he glanced at me again. “what?”

 

“why is being angry what scares you? doesn’t, like, a firey car accident or drowning scare you?” he chuckled. 

 

“kiddo, i’ve been drowning my whole life.”

 

_ you used to say ‘don’t be angry’, _

_ i finally understand why everything that _

_ you taught me got twisted up on the inside, _

_ wicked roots that take me under are twisted up on the inside _

 

“aws, you need to relax,” geoff tried calming me down. “she isn’t worth getting this worked up.”

 

“what the fuck do you mean? maybe  _ she _ wasn’t, but that’s a fucking year and a half of my life i’m never gonna fucking get back!” i yelled back. “i gave her everything i fucking could and she threw it all away for a quick fuck? jesus, i thought i was finally worth it to someone!”

 

“you  _ are _ worth it.” he told me, softly. his tone contradicted the intensity of my rage. “you really are. i’m sorry you can’t see that, but does being angry help?”

 

geoff’s blue eyes were staring in to mine. i gulped, and opened my mouth to say something, but the words wouldn’t come out. was the anger worth it?

 

“no.” i finally whispered, defeated. i sighed, dropping my head in to my hands. “i’m sorry, i just…” i trailed off. 

 

“i get it.” he assured. “i really do. but there’s so many good things in the world that the bad things won’t matter in five years. there are bigger and better things going on in life.” 

 

_ holy fuck, i’m about to die _

_ angry for no reason, twisted up inside _

 

it was two years later when geoff killed himself. he left me a letter, where he begged me not to be angry. his handwriting was shaky and dried tears wrinkled the paper. 

 

_ things haven’t been good for me, aws.  _ he wrote.  _ i’ve been trying for years to be happy. i can’t keep faking it. i’m not going anywhere in life. i have no future. just keep strong. you’ll be okay, soon you won’t even know i’m gone.  _

 

_ holy fuck, i’m about to die _

_ holy fuck, i’m about to die _

_ you used to say _

 

two weeks later i got the final diagnosis; i had bone cancer. my chances of living past twenty-five were 50/50. i started chemo the next week. i was constantly sick. i couldn’t get out of bed some days. other days i wanted to take on the world and more. but most importantly, i wanted geoff. 

 

two years later, my time was dwindling. hospice was arranged, and my parents sat in my room, tears streaming down their faces. 

 

“you don’t deserve this.” my dad told me. “i’m so mad. you deserve so much better.”

 

“don’t be mad, dad.” i told him. i grabbed my mom’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “i’m not.”


End file.
